April 16, 2011
-
Fix Your Goddamned Site
I’ve spent more time exploring Xanga since I got a job that lets me have my laptop open while at work with absolutely no supervision, and I keep coming across new annoyances on people’s sites that make me want to hack their websites. Not to do anything malicious, but just to properly format their page into something readable. Want to reduce my urge to fill your shoes with EZ Cheez and replace your shampoo with Nair? Here are some basic pointers to make your Xanga page presentable enough for a Wal-Mart job interview:
Yes, I’m setting the bar THIS high.- Remove your media player. We don’t want to be raped in the earholes by your particular brand of synth-pop-dubstep-reggae, no matter how dope, fly or poppin’ fresh it may be. If I wanted to listen to Ke$ha, I’d play her on my iTunes. Just kidding, I’d cauterize my ears shut and perform an impromptu lobotomy with a cheese grater
- Stop constricting your text to the middle tenth of your screen. Most of us are not visiting your site to see all the virtual pets you’ve adopted, we’re there for the content you place in you blogs. There’s no way you need seven inch margins on either side of your page,
and reading
your thoughts
two or three
words at a
time is just
fucking ob-
noxious.
Also, why
would you
possibly want
everything
centered like
this?- While we’re formatting your page, there should be precisely ONE scroll bar visible, the one for the entire unclehumping page. There is absolutely no justifiable reason why I should have to scroll down and left just to see the remaining 3/5ths of your profile pictures.
- When I’m leaving a comment on your site, I want to be able to see what I’m typing. WHY OH WHY OH WHY ARE MY WORDS DEFAULTING TO ALL CAPS, WHEN I’M NOT TRYING TO SCREAM AT YOU THAT I HOPE YOUR FRIEND GETS BETTER? making it so i’m posting in all lowercase isn’t much better, because it makes me feel like i’m too timid to inform you that you take amazing photographs.
- If I visit your page and have to physically search to find your latest weblog entry after three pages of scrolling through absolutely nothing of importance, I’m considering you a lost cause. You could have published a way to make my girlfriend lactate beer and I wouldn’t care, reading your blog should not be a scavenger hunt.
- Typing in a font barely legible on the background is a good way to inform your readers you hope they go blind. Only do this if you’re certain you hate your readers enough to wish eye cancer upon them.
- This may seem trivial to others, but it’s a real mace to the nuts when I notice somebody hasn’t upgraded to the newer version of Xanga. Are you afraid people will hate the convenience of having a button to take care of their HTML rather than trying to figure some of it out on their own? For some reason, one of my computers finds these pages so repulsive that it takes a twenty second break while loading them to completely freeze my browser. So if your goal in keeping the older, “simpler” page is to reduce loading time, congrats, you were just as effective as if you tried chugging a forty to fix being drunk.
Of course, a lot of you have your own personal reasons for breaking all these rules. Breaking one, especially the last, I can accept and forgive. If you break three or more, I’m going to assume it’s because you realize you’re an insufferable twatwaffle without a single intelligent or unique thought in your head, and flooding your page with unbearable fluff is your way of compensating for your lack of a soul. No amount of aesthetic changes to your site will ever make up for that fact.
Hugs,
Krisko
Comments (74)
I don’t think I’ve changed my layout since I started this site…sorry.
I heard a bunch of frat dudes at my college play that Ke$ha shit, and thought they were all as dumb as Hell. They didn’t care that my ears were being raped by a horny male great dane; they just sat there drinking their fucking beer looking all “fratlike.” Dumbasses!
Agreed x infinity! Why the fudge do people have to do such weird stuff with their blogs?
I wish to upgrade you from a Knight to something better. Taking suggestions.
The only problem I could have out of these is the font color thing. The purple is bright enough to read on the black, isn’t it? I haven’t gotten any complaints.
twatwaffle!
o-o I don’t think I do any of these. I don’t know through. and I agree on the music! o-o i’ll open a page while listening to my music and then I have another song over lapping?! o-o; it’s sooo annoying. o-o
I hate music players too, and the whole not being able to see what I’m writing in the comment box. When I start to type, if I can’t see what I’m typing…I just delete it and 86 the whole comment idea completely. Their loss.
@godfatherofgreenbay - The old format is the most excusable of these in my eyes, and it’s not like you started up a site and decided to be retro about it.
@Axis_of_Doom - Yet another reason I’m glad I was never involved in the Greek system (not to say I haven’t had fun with some sorority girls…)
@Queen_of_You188 - I’m sincerely of the belief because they need to mask their complete lack of actual content.
@AlluringAddiction - Is King available? If not, I say you make up a new position in your kingdom for me. (I’m always looking for fun new positions.)
@thepsychoticraccoon - Nah, your purple is legible. I’ve never had to highlight your text to be able to discern what you wrote.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU MUSIC REMAINS.
I hated letting go of my original old school layout… It was a tearful goodbye.
I think I had to fix one…so I think I did… been trying to fix the lay out for a while… not happy with it! But, thanks for advice!
[Remove your media player. We don't want to be raped in the earholes by your particular brand of synth-pop-dubstep-reggae, no matter how dope, fly or poppin' fresh it may be. If I wanted to listen to Ke$ha, I'd play her on my iTunes. Just kidding, I'd cauterize my ears shut and perform an impromptu lobotomy with a cheese grater]
HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!
Oh, and I join @ItIsAllGravy in my enthusiasm for the term “twatwaffle.” Or, maybe he was just repeating it for shits and giggles.
@GodlessLiberal - Yeah, I moved into my own apartment to ignore any annoying roomies.
someone i sub to has her comment box formatted so that the font is white… inside a white comment box. maybe she thought it would be a fun guessing game. (:
also, tiny font. although i am guilty of having a rather small font on my blog.
@ItIsAllGravy - Word of the day?
@MyFaire - Agreed, especially since my musical taste doesn’t jive too well with the techno, emo or country so prevalent on these pages.
@MySpiceOfLife - I’ve started this practice as well. Their loss, I’m fucking witty.
@ShimmerBodyCream - I do have to admit I was super stoked to hear MC Chris the first time I logged onto your page. The second time, not so much.
@firetyger - What about it did you like?
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength - I thought you would enjoy that part. I wrote this as I was listening to Pantera, then hit a site playing one of those acoustic guitar emo songs.
@pinktiger335 - Just checked, and oh so much better. Thank you for that.
I have no idea why people persist in using the old format. The new one is SO much better. Then again, my parents still use AOL to get online, so I guess some people are just hopeless…
@GodlessLiberal - As am I. And indeed you are
HAVE I TOLD YOU, LATELY, THAT I LOVE YOU????????????????????
Perfect. Everyone should read this and promptly change their page. Like now.
I haven’t broken any rules unless the last one… I’m not sure lol. I am glad that I wasn’t smart enough to add background music to my site. Thanks for the tips
Hmm I haven’t changed my layout in quite sometime. Even though I fit all your requirements, you’ve possibly motivated me. And PS It’s hard NOT to make all your words centered when xanga adds ample amount of ads to the side of your page. For those of us who don’t like using our credit cards over xanga.
I agree about the music player on the site. I’m there to read your latest post not what Ke$ha is singing or what kind of death metal is blasting my eardrums. Thanks now I have to go back and look at my site yet again to see if I didn’t screw up! Thank you for reactivating my OCD!! haha
…Twatwaffle is my new favorite cuss word, I think.
@Rose_Hikari - Your font isn’t obnoxiously small, I wouldn’t worry about it.
@carolinavenger - AOL is still a thing?!
@haloed - No, but you have told me I need to see your fabulous ass, which is pretty close in my world.
@different_one1 - Not smart enough to know how to attach one, or smart enough to know not to?
@FallingSafely - I’m talking about shrinking it down to just six words per line, I’m not faulting anyone for using the free layout.
@TheCowboy2010 - I am known for reactivating mental instability.
@emily_shannon - Then my life has been worth it.
it’s good to know i can change my site to reflect all the things you hate since there’s no reason for you to visit my site in the first place. there’s a double-negative conclusion for you, sort of, i think.
@GodlessLiberal - If I take a picture in my TNA ass pants, you will drool.
Agree agree agree. Well, apart from the last one, that doesn’t bother me at all. What’s also annoying is when their background is a picture, making it so that some parts of the text are legible, but others aren’t, so I have to highlight the whole thing. Also, backgrounds that flash or change colour bother me. It’s so off-putting when I’m trying to read a blog and all I can see is the background flashing obnoxiously behind the text.
@haloed - It’s OK, I’m wearing a bib.
@polexperfection - Yeah, I’m not a fan of going to a site and having to check to make sure the left side of my face still moves to ensure I didn’t just have a stroke.
HA HA I DONT
SEE WHAT THE
PROBLEM IS.
I’m Jon, and I approve this message.
@AlluringAddiction - I think “Duke” has a nice ring to it.
@TheBillion - I totally agree!
Duke @GodlessLiberal has a lovely ring to it.
I’m fairly certain I don’t do any of those things, but I’m not sure if I’ve upgraded my xanga site to the new format. This blog is fairly new (just a couple of months), so maybe it already is the upgraded version, but if you’ve got the time, I’d greatly appreciate it if you could let me know how, just so I’m not annoying the shit out of my readers, thanks
Bravo! This was the best post you’ve ever written.
Can you come and check me out? Im not sure if I’m making any faux pas..
I used HTML from the moment I joined Xanga in Sept 2007 for Feb 2011. I’m sorry. D:
I hate too when I can’t leave the page because I can’t find a Xanga button, or to leave a message, because there is no button.
I’m not sure if I have the latest Xanga. I didn’t know there was a latest, so I’m guessing what I have is it. Anyway, thanks for this!
For some reason Dan’s page loads slowly on my computer – I think it’s his layout. Can you forward this to him?
I hate tiny fonts and bright pages. I am still trying to fix my page cause it annoys me, so I’d imagine it annoys some people lol. I like that word “Twatwaffle”, good one lol.
I get so frustrated with some of these things. One you neglected to mention is when they make their font so tiny I have to Ctrl/+ to make it big enough I can read it without putting my face to the screen. And the color thing is annoying too. I just highlight it all so I can see it. The music blaring as soon as the page loads gets on my nerves too. I wish they would at least make it so *I* hit play to make it start. And the thing with the comments so that all the letters stay lower case and then they are the way you typed them after you send it and it is up. That is a pain too.
(Dude…is “unclehumping” really a word…?)
Lol, twatwaffle.
HELL TO THE YEAH! If I want
to read the message you hold dear to your heart, one word at a time, I will go to Western Union.
Let’s see more sentences written like this,with no BRIGHT-COLORED FOREGROUND!!If I want art, I’ll go to a gallery.
Brilliant. I can’t imagine having the old Xanga again. I prefer as little effort as possible. :p
@GodlessLiberal - The layouts were simple enough I could edit them to look exactly the way I wanted them to…and I had blinkies…zillions of blinkies!
I liked ‘em because most of them were military related (and some were pretty funny…”Sexually Deprived For Your Freedom”). Themes are meh. Yeah, you can make your own themes but it just isn’t quite the same.
While I agree with all of these, I’m also now tempted to try them all.
This. F*cking. Rocks.
hahaha nice
I’m not even sure if I have an updated version of Xanga or not (which is making me think I probably don’t have it). I’m guessing there might be a lot of other people that haven’t updated unknowingly. But I’m still safely in the non-twatwaffle zone.
We’re no strangers to love
You know the rules, and so do I
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy…
Your site is giving me a thought: make it really wide so you can say a lot yet people won’t think it’s too much to read because it look like less!
Dunno about the format thing, but then I mostly access Xanga Mobile these days.
Actually you can pause my music player and it’s at the side. Easy to see in plain sight. A lot of people say that they like my music..it’s really quite soothing..maybe because I listen to Kpop? I don’t really mind really music on other people’s sites because I don’t have my volume up most of the time.
@firetyger - meee tooo!!!! it was sooo pretty. they dont make them like they used to. good times tho.
Newer version of Xanga? What? Uh oh, I think I violate the last rule… others not so sure about, I am sure, positive in fact, that twatwaffle! abso-fucking-lutely deserves an exclamation point! or two!!
Some people keep the old version of Xanga so that they can use the Xanga Anti-stalker module. This module matches IP addresses with user names and is how people figure out who uses multiple user names.The ironic thing is, anybody can look at the traffic logs by going to that site and typing in the name of interest.
“twatwaffle” just killed me. xP
I didn’t know you could upgrade to a new version of Xanga. But I kinda think I must have done it anyway because I have no idea what you’re talking about with that last thing.
This is all good advice. Streamlining is the way to go. No one wants to have to look around for whatever content may or may not be available.
There’s a lot of hilarity in this post… I like how you write, I also get agitated with some layouts/formats, not as much as you do but I do get agitated. Very well written post.. What made me laugh the most was after you completely went off you said…”Hugs” LMAO. Classic…
@ShimmerBodyCream - Right on!!
my site barely has any text and is a like a spice girls barbie radio channel in itself because of my girly singing:D I friendlocked it, so nobody will really know*cookie monster grumble*
@GodlessLiberal - Not smart enough to know how to add it but now I know not to add music.
ha! too funny this morning and totally warrants a comment…
hehehe……Nice Ass…
I agree with you 100%…
Want to check out mine now? You’ve made me wonder… lol.
You are by far one of the funniest people on here. So thanks for that
Dear Krisko,
I”m actually “answering” a pulse you wrote but Xanga’s pulses don’t accommodate my comments. (I’ll neglect supplying a link. This is your blog. You should know which pulses you wrote. LOL) You mention that the top taskbar was taking up over an inch of space. Sometimes Xanga’s java formatting gets screwed up on certain browsers. I hate it when the advertisements seem to float all over the page. Other times all the ‘elements’ will just ’stack up’ on the page. Usually a “refresh” will fix the problem. Sometimes my background image disappears on Firefox.
Now, since I’m commenting here, I want to address the fact that the Number One reason I took so long switching to Xanga’s current “themes” structure was BECAUSE I didn’t want the taskbar at the top of the page. There is too much incompatibility between the “old” style and the “new” style (one specific: a themes page can’t “recommend” entries from non “themes” blogs on IE8) so I finally switched. I never wanted my blog to be “branded” as Xanga, since it’s a part of my personal website, http://www.allthingsmike.com
I used to have a feature called “Jukebox this week” where I’d play old vinyl records on my blog, but at some point I was not able to add the coding to disable the autostart, so I removed it. I use multiple tabs at the top of my browser, and it’s really annoying when one of the many sites upon which I’ve clicked starts to play music, and I have to search through multiple tabs in order to find the site. Sometimes finding the player is difficult.
I have to chuckle at the text in the middle 10th of the screen. Usually in a scroller box too. And somewhere on the page, the “format” will be linked, so other unfortunates can make their Xanga site look exactly like this!
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool
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DEJA-VU!
Guess I’m not so bad then lol.
Sorries for the stalkin’ m’darling.
I’m still stuck on the phrase “mace to the nuts”…I mean, I don’t even have nuts, but I’m still cringing. Shudder shudder.
Also, David Cross wrote a book? DO WANT!!!! Please tell me you watch arrested development.