Saturday, 06 September 2008

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  I'm going to hell... is anyone suprised?

  September is here, and at my school, the University of Minnesota, this means two things: the beginning of classes (I'm taking ecology as well as new testament studies, so I'm sure some environmental and biblical context posts will become more frequent leading up to December), and the return of Brother Mike, Brother Steve and Brother Jed, the trio of super-conservative, super-evangelical, super-offensive preachers that travel the country going from campus to campus preaching damnation.
  
  It being the first week of classes, I don't have much homework, and I've got quite a bit of time between my afternoon classes. So I join the crowds of fifty or so people that watch and harangue the Brothers. Upon seeing my tattoo, Brother Jed told me I could use a "good spanking with the Bible!" which he then emphasized by slapping the Bible into his palm. I walked up to him and bent over... this is obviously a man of God, and I don't want to go to hell, now do I? Unfortunately, my backside has yet to feel the sweet salvation of Jed's aging Bible. I sat down, intent to learn more about how I could be saved. I became dismayed the more I listened.
  
  "Do you listen to rock and roll? Do you drink beer? Do you smoke mary-jew-ana? Do you masturbate? Do you look at pornography? Do you have premarital sex? Do you kiss before getting married? Do you take the Lord's name in vain? Do you believe in EVILution?" I had to admit that yes, I do all these things, sometimes simultaneously. "Then you are going straight to HELL!"
  
  We were also treated to a wonderful sex ed course involving graphic depictions of electrical cords having sex, as well as Jed making thrusting motions. Then there was a singalong, where we joined in on the lovely tune, "It's Not OK To Be Gay." I found a video of this on YouTube, unfortunately the video my friend took locally is not posted yet.
  
  
  
  Then came Brother Mike, who made Jed seem tame by comparison. Mike felt compelled to single me out of the crowd and talk of the evils of EVILution. He told me he had studied evolution in depth, but found creationism fit the facts better. I felt compelled to test him on this. "Brother Mike," I ask, "can I ask you a question about evolution?"
  "You mean EVILution?" he screamed (Mike is a screamer).
  "Sure. What are the three main components of evolution? I'll give you the first two: heritability of traits, variation in a population, and what else?"
  He tries to begin telling me how evil I am for being an atheist, but I won't let him dodge this.
  "Brother Mike, you claim to have studied evolution in depth, so answer my question please. I'll give you a hint, it's part of the title of Darwin's book. 'On the Origin of Species by Means of ... two words, Brother Mike. Fill in the blank."
  Brother Mike preached for two hours, and never once answered my question. The answer, of course, is "natural selection," as anyone who has "studied EVILution intenstively" would be able to tell you. In fact, high school sophomores would need to know this to pass their introductory biology class.
  
  But Mike's fun didn't stop there. He began telling us how all Muslims are terrorists, how all blacks are closet Muslims, and how all homosexuals want to molest young boys. Liberals aren't really promoting gay rights, they just want to use it as a stepping stone to further deviant practices, such as polygamy, owning sex slaves, and marrying animals and kitchen appliances. Humanism is the exact same thing as hedonism. Feminists are decieving women into thinking they are the equals of men, and all the women on campus are waisting tuition... they need to drop out, go find a nice strong Christian man, ("you'll have to go off campus to find one of them, because Brother Jeb, Brother Steve and me are all married!") get married and cook for him, clean for him and give him lots of babies.
  
  At this point someone asked, "Brother Mike, where's your wife right now?"
  Brother Mike replied, grinning like the molevolant idiot he is, "Somewhere between the kitchen and the bedroom." I assume he means the spot in the hallway where he has her chained up.
  
  Then came Brother Steve, who was fairly boring compared to his predecessors. He simply sang hymns, unsuccessfully attempting to lead us in a verse of "Nothing but the Blood of Jesus." Meanwhile, I managed to successfully lead the crowd in my favorite hymn, "Bohemian Rhapsody." Then it was quoting scripture. He pulled out that evangelical favorite when talking to heathens, Psalm 14:1:
  

  The fool says in his heart,
  

         "There is no God."
         They are corrupt, their deeds are vile;
         there is no one who does good.
  

  
  So grabbing my trusty Study Bible, I stood up and quoted my favorite Bible passage, Revelation 9:7-10:
  

  And the shapes of the locusts were like unto horses prepared unto battle; and on their heads were as it were crowns like gold, and their faces were as the faces of men.
  And they had hair as the hair of women, and their teeth were as the teeth of lions.
  And they had breastplates, as it were breastplates of iron; and the sound of their wings was as the sound of chariots of many horses running to battle.
  And they had tails like unto scorpions, and there were stings in their tails: and their power was to hurt men five months.

  
  The question I kept repeating, over and over again to all three of them, was: "Isn't there a more effective way to try and save people? Look around you, everyone here is here to laugh at what you're saying. Your techniques of telling us why we're all going to hell and screaming our sins at us isn't saving anybody. How does this help your cause?"
  

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