Wednesday, 21 January 2009
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American Jesus: How the Son of God Became a National Icon
By Stephen Prothero
see relatedKrisko's Walkthrough of the Bible: Genesis & Exodus
Everybody knows some of the broad themes of Genesis: God creates earth, the Garden of Eden, the story of Noah, etc. Here are some things that may not have been brought to your attention in Sunday School.
~ God creates day and night on the first day, but doesn't create the sun or the stars until the 4th. (Genesis 1:3-5, 16-19)
~ God repeatedly refers to himself as "us," though why (and why only in Genesis) is never explained. (Genesis 1:26, 3:22, 11:7)
~ Adam was not kicked out of the Garden of Eden for eating the forbidden fruit. God became nervous that his newly-enlightened creation would also eat fruit from the tree of life and become immortal. (Genesis 3:22-23)
~ Cain killed Abel because God liked Abel more. Why? Because as a farmer, Cain could only sacrifice plants to God. Abel was a herdsman, and so could sacrifice animals. (Genesis 4:2-5)
~ God's sons come down from the heaven to have sex with earth women. (Genesis 6:1-2, 4)
~ "There were giants in the earth in those days" isn't an accurate translation. The word translated into giants was "Nephilim", which nobody actually knows how to translate. (Genesis 6:4)
~ Noah gets drunk on wine from his vineyard and passes out with his genitals exposed. Ham, his son, accidentally sees this. When Noah wakes up, he punishes Ham by making his youngest son a slave. (Genesis 9:20-27)
~ God makes a covenant with Abraham and demands that he and all his descendents become circumcised. God never explains why cutting off the foreskin is important, but it seems quite contradictory to all the other laws about never exposing one's genitals. What good is a distinguishing self-mutilation that nobody is allowed to see? (Genesis 17:10)
~ Rachel and Leah battle for Jacob's favor by giving him their maids as sex partners. (Genesis 30:1-11)
~ God has a wrestling match with Jacob and loses. To honor the occasion, God changes Jacob's name to Israel. (Genesis 32:24-30)
~ The "sin of Onan" is not masturbation. Onan wasn't punished because he "spilled his semen on the ground" but because he didn't impregnate his sister-in-law. God kills Onan. (Genesis 38:1-10)
~ God orders Moses to Egypt to lead the people of Israel out of bondage. Then, for reasons that aren't made clear, God decides to kill Moses. Moses' wife saves him by rubbing his feet with the bloody foreskin of his son. (Exodus 4:24-26)
~ The people of Israel battle the people of Amalek. Moses watches from a hill, and whenever he raises his hand, the people of Israel win. Whenever he raises his hand, the people of Israel wins. However, Moses is old, and often tires out and lowers his hand, letting the Amalek people win. Moses' companions solve this problem by holding up both his hands. (Exodus 17:10-13)
God's commandments didn't stop at ten. There were over 600. Here are some of the lesser known ones:
~ No alter should have steps. People walking up them might expose their genitals. (Exodus 20:26)
~ Any man who beats his servant or maid is only to be punished if the victim dies. After all, God notes, it's his money. (Exodus 21:20-21)
~ You will be put to death if you: are a female sorcerer (Exodus 22:18); curse your parents (Exodus 21:17); have sex with an animal (Exodus 22:19); work on the Sabbath day (Exodus 31:15).
~ Moses performs the first Bible baptism... but it's with blood, not water. (Exodus 24:5-8)
~ God learns about the golden calf, and is angry. Moses talks him out of killing all the people of Israel by suggesting that those who didn't worship it kill their friends, family, neighbors and children who did. Three thousand die. God is still not appeased, and releases a plague on the survivors. (Exodus 32:7-14, 25-35)
~ God tells Moses that his name is really "Jealous". (Exodus 34:14)
~ Moses has to wear a veil in public; talking to God has made his face glow. (Exodus 34:29-35)
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Comments (23)
I can't wait to see the comments.
gotta love the holy text that is taken so literally by its followers that it indirectly governs our country despite its compete irrationality!
haha, those jews are so obsessed with their genitalia.
Hmmm, rubbing the bloody foreskin on the feet. I'll have to try that next time I'm close to death...
Strange times, hunh? I really think they should bring back that manna stuff. That was tasty.
And if the Nephilim were after your genitalia, you'd get a little protective, too. The Nephilim were just too pretty to be trusted, and they were getting it on with anything and anyone. Be thankful they're gone.
Haha love this, thanks so much for sharing. I remember when I use to attend sunday school (Catholic) my teacher specifically said, ignore the genesis part for it can get confusing. We would interpret it wrong if we didn't take classes in theology or something. But yeah thanks.. recommending :3
I'm reading a book at the moment that explains more than a few of your points as coming from different Egyptian and ancient Mesopotamian myths. They were all blended together and altered so that they mesh with the monotheistic worldview of the ancient Hebrews. A lot of things slipped through the cracks, though, as you've pointed out. I can't (rather, don't feel like) explaining it all here, but the book is 101Myths of the Bible by Gary Greenberg. I do recommend it.
But yer jest takin outta contest!
I like part about selling ones daughter. Only to your neighbors like Mexico or Canada. evey 9 months ya got a 50/50 chance for a financial windfall.
What a gracious God.
"God creates day and night on the first day, but doesn't create the sun or the stars until the 4th."
Well, you see, what God chose to do is create a giant, temporary lantern constructed from the foreskins of the unborn. This would light the Earth while he designed the sun. Nevermind that it's illogical for God to recognize that light was needed, then not immediately create the sun using his unlimited powers. We cannot know his way, unless we are arguing about his ways, in which case I do know his ways (even when the Bible does not support my explanations).
God, you atheists and agnostics are so irrational!
That's why I have always been disappointed with the typical Sunday School curriculum. They gloss over the truly interesting stuff.
Hate to break it to you but it is possible to be aware of all of your points and still maintain rational faith as a Jew or Christian. You can do the same with the Qur'an and still be a rational Muslim. Religion is only easy to break in the minds of simple, ignorant followers. Theologians have known this stuff for millenia.
Oh my Jealous! (Or is that OMJ?)
The "female sorcerer" bit doesn't correctly reference any passage, otherwise this is fuckin' great.
ah, I love the 'history-book' part of the Bible. but if you'd like to know anything about Christianity, try the New Testament.
@herzog3000 - I know that, I just felt that I should point out these oft glossed over portions of the "good book."
@HeartOfPandora - Thanks for the heads-up, I got a little sloppy with my Bible-Gatewaying.
@Jimbo1023 - I actually own that one, and it's on my blacklist. I sat down with a couple of biblical scholars from my university's religious studies department, and much of that book is erroneous. The scholarly consensus is that there was no significant Egyptian influence on the Torah, which is especially damning, considering how much of the Torah is about the Jews escaping their captives in Egypt. (This was especially drilled into my head since I got a question about this wrong on my Old Testament midterm.)
@GodlessLiberal - Thanks for pointing that out to me. I thought that more than a few of his conclusions were a stretch. I don't plan to just stop and say "well, that's that" in any case.
@herzog3000 - agreed. theologians know a lot of these points. heck, i've heard of many of them myself!
Well, I think your post is funny. I will not bother with the whole explaining the Christian's point of view on anything. Thanks for not being all "angry atheist" though.
@scramBledmegZntoasT - I know the Christian's point of view... I myself used to be one. I try not to be an angry atheist. I like to think of myself as an upbeat agnostic. Or perhaps a Christian atheist... trying to live up to Christ's peaceful values by eschewing religion.
@GodlessLiberal - At least your reading the Bible. I don't think you used to be a Christian. How did you classify yourself as one?
@UTRow1 - Irrational? How do you actually rationalize the fact that "god" exists?
btw, I love this. Just hilarious.
@LiLbabeSwT - yeah, I really believe that's one of the biggest joke concerning the truly crazy Bible literalists and their common "scientific" arguments against evolutionists and secularists. It's pretty common to see fundamentalist Christians attack science they haven't studied for seeming improbable, then posit the single most absolutely improbable explanation ever conceived in the history of mankind as an alternative: God. "There's only a 1 in ten billion, trillion chance of this necessary reaction occuring to spark life. Ergo, evolution couldn't have happened! Clearly my God, a being whose mere existence violates every known natural law and defies all probability, was responsible for life!" They attack 1 thing for being improbable (incorrectly), then directly or indirectly posit an alternative explanation that is definitely less probable. It doesn't really sink in for most of them that disproving evolution wouldn't logically prove God's existence, or even strengthen the case for their particular God. It would simply mean evolutionary theory was incorrect or incomplete. Nothing more and nothing less.
Hah! It's wonderful... and that's only Genesis and Exodus!