Friday, 19 June 2009
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Godless: How an Evangelical Preacher Became One of America's Leading Atheists
By Dan Barker
see relatedHow I Became an Atheist
I am currently a senior in college, 23 years old. The story starts when I was 11 years old in sixth grade, learning science for the first time. I started doing some outside reading on my own, and realized that the Bible wasn't exactly congruent with science. The more reading I did in science showed that god wasn't really necessary for all the things that people attributed to him. That was also the same year one of my good friends died from a congenital heart defect. I found it absolutely appalling that the same people that would praise god for baby births and recovery from operations would now say things like "god works in mysterious ways" or "it was god's will". Heads, god wins, tails, god wins. At that point I gave up on god, and just stopped caring. I wasn't militant in my disbelief. I was more of an apatheist, in that I really didn't care, but mostly didn't believe.
Two years later, all those tolerant Christians preaching god's love of all people in my Boy Scout troop told me that I wasn't welcome since I didn't believe in god. While this didn't change my opinion of god, it did change my opinion of god's followers.
Skip ahead to the beginning of 11th grade. I'm 15, and still an apatheist, maybe a deist of sorts, but I don't have it really settled in my head. I'm sitting in my honors english class, when my neck starts spasming. I try to cover it up and ignore it, but it gets more and more intense, until I nearly knock myself unconscious by spasming my head into my shoulder. This was the beginning of a steady decline in my health. Over the next few months, the spasms became more frequent and started spreading to my limbs. About six months after the first "attack", I started getting spasms in my stomach and chest muscles. A doctor told me there was a very good chance that it would spread to my heart muscles and give me a heart attack. He told me there was a chance I would not live past high school. I was diagnosed with a rare form of dystonia, most likely a genetic form (my grandfather exhibited strange muscle symptoms as well).
So I re-found Jesus. I started attending every church function I could make. I prayed all the time. I did everything I could to make sure I'd get into heaven. Because I sincerely believed in the doctrines I learned in the Bible and in church, where I could be sentenced to hell for mere THOUGHTS! My doctors told me to do everything I could to reduce stress, since stress set off these spasms. But how can you decrease stress when you're worried about spending an eternity in hellfire?
My symptoms continued getting worse, despite the amount faith and prayers I put into it. I started having spasms in my diaphragm and chest, so at times I would not be able to breathe for over a minute at a time, only to be able to get a single gasp of breath to hold me out for the next minute. One of these spasms got so powerful that I broke two ribs just from the muscle spasms. I then passed out, either from the pain or the lack of oxygen and was sent to the hospital to stay for a few days.
I still remember extremely clearly being in the hospital, praying to god to make me better so I could then spend the rest of my life doing his will throughout the world when I had a heart attack. For me it wasn't like you see in the movies, where they grasp their arm and slowly fall down. For me, I was laying in bed, felt extreme pain in my arm, then actually felt my heart pumping extremely rapidly.... then stop. I remember hearing the cardiac monitor sound it's alarm cry as I slowly faded out of consciousness.
At this point I made a decision to redouble my efforts, since I obviously wasn't doing god's will. I mean, if I was I'd get better, right? That was my thought process up until my first year of college... when I had my second heart attack. After that I started doubting that any truly loving god was watching out for me. I started reading up more and more on biology, cosmology, and philosophy (as well as the Bible a second time around). By learning more science, I started thinking along the lines of evidence and critical evaluation, which made it harder for Christianity to hold sway in my mind.
Through all this, I realized there was no way that there was some all-loving, all-powerful being who cared about me and intervened in my life. So I slowly made the transition to Deist (believing in an unmoved mover, a god who set the universe in motion but didn't interfere in individual affairs), and over another year or two to a full-blown atheist. Since then, my health has improved (owing partly, I'm sure, to a decrease in stress from no longer fearing eternal damnation).
Now, with a post like this (a very personal one to me), I'm willing to answer any questions. But I'd ask that you phrase them respectfully (which has been a problem here in the past). I'd like to hear reactions to this story.
Me and the love of my life, so you can put a name to a face. The lovely lady is Ali, and that handsome devil is everybody's favorite Krisko.
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Comments (128)
I'm going to print this out to reading tonight. Thanks, the skim through looks like this should be an interesting post.
Later!!!
I quoted you very much in the comments of my most recent post. If you want to see it's at: http://nidan.xanga.com/704876137/a-late-wpr/?nextdate=last&leftcmt=1
Do you think that one of the main reasons you stopped believing in God was because he didn't heal you and if so, do you think that is a valid reason for not believing in God? In other words, does God need to heal every one that's sick? Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you're at least getting a ittle better.
Awesome post and exactly what I wanted to know! I was unaware that dystonia could be so severe; that's terrible and I am sorry you have to live with that. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You know, I've always wondered how many "followers" of the bible have actually read the thing so it is cool to know that you have read it multiple times. I can definitely see how not worrying about burning in hell could lessen stress : )
I'm sorry to hear about your health and that your prayers and efforts were not answered. I'm glad that your health has improved. I am not really religious (anymore), but I still have doubts, questions, and curiousities. I haven't really ruled anything out. But thanks for sharing this.
Wow. Thanks for sharing that. How scary.
It seems to me that health is either the maker or breaker for belief in God.
For me, when I was going through a very deep depresssion, I prayed all the time, thinking that if I just leaned on God I could get out of this. The strangest thing was when I left church and finally gave up on praying, that was when I started to get better. It was like, it just sucked it all out of me, trying to be the most faithful person and being this good person for God only made me more depressed. And then I sort of... gave up on God (but not entirely) and I got better. And THEN I found being a good person was a lot easier, once I was happy.
Then a few months later an autoimmune disorder in my liver surfaced and I went through the whole depression thing again because my dad didn't believe me or refused to believe something was wrong... I'm not really sure. He yelled at me a lot for taking too many medications because those wouldn't fix me. Not that he thought GOD would fix me, he's not extremely religious. But he believes medicine makes a person sicker than better.
Despite living with a mother who's had Lupus her whole life and the whole of as long as Dad's known her. He's given her the same attitude before too.
But I found more relief once the doctors figured out what was wrong with me, because for months they didn't know and just kept giving me more and more medication. But... I don't know, I got through that without praying, and I'm fine. The disease is under control, though I'll always have it. But I didn't ask God for help, so either, he helped me despite that I didn't ask, or maybe he didn't help me at all. Maybe the doctors did and that's all there is too it.
I'm really stuck on this God thing lately. Where I'm not sure if I believe or not. And I won't lie, the idea of there not being a God is painful to me. It makes me less happy. Like, the whole heaven thing. I want to believe the people who I loved, who died, are in heaven, and I will see them again. I want to believe we have souls.
And now... now I'm just not sure. But I feel like, something that would be enough evidence for me right about now, is proof that ghosts exist. If they do, then souls exist, and I can belive that God exists. But if there is no solid proof, then I find it hard to believe that they do.
And I have a hard time with the whole "well, if you just look, if you keep your eyes and ears open, you will find God."
Well... isn't that the same attitude for people who look for UFOs? I mean, if you're looking for a UFO you'll see a UFO or think that you see a UFO. If you're looking for ghosts, you're going to think you saw or heard something that DEFINITELY explains that ghosts exist. So... why isn't it the same for people who are looking for God? Can this be explained through a guardian angel? Or can this be explained by random neural firings, bringing back some memory that told you to how to react to this dangerous situation, that someone told you, a long time ago.
: / These are my big questions right now. But I don't know that I believe giving up my life for faith is good either. If there is a God, I'd rather just acknowledge him from time to time, think about him, and appreciate him. But I don't think going to church is a maker or breaker for faith. You can have faith and not be super religious. And part of me feels like all that church isn't really necessary. I'd almost be willing to bet that I think about my faith 10 times more frequently than my mom does, who goes to church every week. I can't know, since I can't get into her mind, but I mean, I am ALWAYS thinking about it. All the time. And sometimes I feel like, she only thinks about it, in chruch. So, if faith is real, and there is a real reason to believe in a God, which seems better? To me it seems like the person who thinks about their faith all the time, and not just once a week when it's required of them to do so.
I'm rambling.
But I thank you for sharing your story.
Well, that's interesting.
I'm afraid I don't know what else to say.
Chaos, dysfunction, and fear for one's life tends to be a pretty reliable way of getting people to have faith in something (in this case God) that could potentially turn it all around. It must be absolutely frightening to be in a situation so out of your control like that. The night my grandmother died I prayed for her but half heartedly. A life time of atheism can't be turned around in one night. But she was ready to go, I didn't wanna risk holding her back either.
Thank you for this. <3
@musterion99 - I think it was the eye opener for me, and made me realize that what I wasn't questioning deserved to be questioned just like every other belief. From there it was a slow progression of learning and reason.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Foffh-gneRs
If and when you get a chance please watch my hero. I heard her testimony years ago and was amazed at the faith of this woman.
I guess there are trials and tribulations in all of our lives ...and what do we do with them is the question. We all have a choice. Some run towards God while others turn away. I run and cling to the Hope He has promised us.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Well, I've heard you tell it in less detail before, but it makes sense. You might want to consider Buddhism or something, they're ultra-non-stressful :P But seriously, the meditation practices and such can help you put down everyday stress like you couldn't believe, that, and a regular activity schedule (even just walking every day for an hour--light, but useful).
Well, I really hope xanga isn't causing you stress like this. Make sure you take care of yourself as much as possible. Its more important for you to stay healthy.
I am sure that you don't want pity, but I really feel for you. People think religion can help improve your life when something terrible happens to you. I guess it does for some. I never "relapsed" as you could say but steadily grew away from it. I can't imagine what it is like to deal with what you have, the fear and the pain of facing the inevitable at such a young age. But I do know what it feels like to feel doomed and to find no comfort in Christianity, only judgement and shame. I found my life crumbling under the weight of guilt and fear that improved almost instantly the minute I just let go of it all. You stop believing in it, no longer let it control you and find yourself open to just live. I am glad you are free from the delusion (I heard someone call it that - forget who but I think it was in Religulous) and I am glad you wrote this because too many believers think all atheists (or just non-christians) must be pessimistic and depressed and without hope. Its not true. If anything Life is so much more important to the Atheist.
Thank you for writing this. I hope it was cathartic.
@GodlessLiberal - But do you think that in itself, that if God doesn't heal every one, is a valid reason for not believing in him?
Thank you so much for telling your story. I find it interesting that some people here seem to think that it was only your health problems that contributed to your loss of faith. Obviously they're ignoring the parts where you read more scientific literature and whatnot. Heh. Figures.
I'm also very glad that you're starting to feel better, and I appreciate that you explained your whole health situation to us. I hope you continue to do better in the future. :)
And lastly ... you and your girlfriend are TOTAL cutiiiiies! You both have such pretty brown eyes. <3
I am Catholic because I was raised as one and confirmed as one. But honestly I think I am more a Deist myself, and I even question my own believes in God sometime. I am not saying there is or is not a God but I will Catholic until the day my mom dies because I ever told her that I didn't believe in God she would probably have a heart attack herself. I still try to live a good life, even if I am not seen as a good person in the eyes of any church or religious group. Honestly I think if you live your life well and treat others with respect, the world would be a much better place. To many crimes, wars and just cruelties are done in the name of one God or another. I think if God was really up there watching he would do something to stop all the bad things done in his name.
@LifeNeedsProtection - Who's your hero and what happened?
@musterion99 - No.
@Venca - Awww, that's so sweet.
@Venca - I find it interesting that some people
here seem to think that it was only your health problems that
contributed to your loss of faith. Obviously they're ignoring the parts
where you read more scientific literature and whatnot. Heh. Figures.
Heh, figures that you obviously ignored what I said. I asked him if it was one of the main reasons. Yes, I know scientific literature was also a part of it.
@GodlessLiberal - Ok, thanks.
@musterion99 -Joni Eareckson Tada-- diving accident.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it's cool that you actually gave believing in god and all that a shot...but it really is just easier on so many levels to not believe. and for you, it helped you improve your health! so that's great! = ]
@LifeNeedsProtection - I'm very familiar with her. She does have a good testimony of keeping her faith in spite of not being healed.
my, my, your words make you sound so much older than you actually are (or look!)
i can kind of relate with the phases in your transition to becoming an atheist, although i never experienced physical pain or any health problems as severe as yours. i can't say i am there yet, maybe i'm a non-church going, non-bible reading apathetist. i'm kind of on a fence and putting off making a decision about god for another day (or year). for the past six months or so, i've been just kind of ignoring religion/god and noticing that it disrupts the quality of my life to no degree.
yay faces!